Unchosen (Chosen #2) Read online

Subject: Proposal

  Lizzie,

  Marry me? You are the girl after my own heart.

  Nick

  Wow. What? Wait, he, he wait…what the fuck? Marriage? I knew he was being facetious but how was I supposed to respond to that? I mulled it over until I decided not to respond. I quickly deleted the message and cleared it from the deleted file. I shut the window down and swiveled to look out my window over the high rise buildings and the sun trying to shine through. That email was kind of harsh because I think I did want to be someone’s wife. Based on my state of mind in this moment, hypocritical as it may sound, my reply would have been, “Yes, please. Take care of me and my baby. Be the man Teagan never was.”

  FIVE

  The weekend after Nick emailed me his pseudo proposal of marriage, I arrived at my parent’s house from work on Friday as Conner was packing Dad’s Jeep with a cooler and a tent. The family jet ski was attached to its trailer. Camping weekends were enjoyable for him and even though I didn’t want to go, I was still envious. There were always lots of drinking and plenty of debauchery. The horror and comedy stories after those camping weekends were the best part of it. I had gone with Conner once when Teagan left for Ireland and it wasn’t any fun for me. I moped around and got annoyed with bugs and told people to shut the hell up at midnight. I just wasn’t myself. Any outing without Teagan was downright sad for me at that time.

  These days, I did love being with Niall on the weekends. We would go to the park and meet up with different mothers from the Newton and Watertown area. We would walk around the paved trail and talk about the right formula and the best diaper deals in the area. One lady sold Avon, one was a candle representative and another one held those erotic parties with eatable panties and twelve inch dildos. It was such a mixed group so when I joined in one random Saturday morning, they took a liking to me.

  They didn’t call or invite me anywhere outside of those Saturday walks. I think it was because I didn’t have a man to do doubles or because they felt awkward that I wouldn’t say much about my past. What I got from them instead were great compliments about how great I was because I was a great mom all on my own. Great. I knew they wanted the dirt on why there wasn’t a Teagan in the picture but I would never tell. It was humiliating and painful and whatever they thought I went through, what actually happened was way worse. Just scratching the surface, Niall would never have a traditional upbringing with a mom and a dad, and that by in and of itself caused me to feel remorse and shame.

  “Hey, Conner! Where’s Niall?” I questioned, waving my hand towards the house.

  “In his swing. Hey! What’s up?” Conner asked. I must have looked like I felt. Jealous, tired, bored. I turned around to find him in my face. He already exuded fun. I sighed and shook my head.

  “Nothing. I just didn’t know you had a getaway this weekend. Isn’t it going to be cold?” I whined. “I thought we could hang out or something. There isn’t much going on this weekend.” I was lonely and wanted my big brother. He had been there for me so many weekends that we almost started a tradition of being together. I had to let that go, too. He was his own person and he probably did it out of obligation. He knew I had been miserable over Teagan and thought he could somehow make up for it. He never could.

  “This is the last camping trip of the year so other than out of town gigs, I’ll be around every weekend from now on. No worries, Lizzie. Hey, why don’t you get off your lazy ass and call some of those park mommas? Maybe they are having a kid party or something,” he teased. His smirk made me want to clock him over the head with my purse. I refrained from violence and took a deep cleansing breath.

  “Nah, Niall and I are planning a night full of corruption.” I laughed and hugged him tightly. “Have a good time and call me when you get home.” I smiled and kissed his cheek. He then kissed my cheek, so I kissed his, then he kissed mine and then we both laughed and shoved each other.

  “I do wish you could come.” The guilty look on his face was all I needed to see. It actually made me feel better. “We are playing a pub on the Cape on Saturday night.”

  I smiled and I nodded my head with excitement. “I know. You guys will be great. Play Butterfly Girl for me.” Conner was such a great brother to me but at the same time, I was so jealous he had the freedom to go wherever he wanted and do whatever he wanted. He was unattached, single and loving it. His band’s first album would be coming out that year and I was so damn proud of him. I was a proud green-eyed monster.

  He rolled his eyes and groaned. It was my most favorite song and I made him play it every time I went to his gigs. What I gathered from his eye rolling was he was sick of playing it so often. My brother could write a song in an hour. The band treasured the new songs and mostly played those to keep it interesting. He wrote “Butterfly Girl” right after I decided to keep Niall. Although he never came out right and told me, I think he wrote it for me. It was about a girl spreading her wings and flying away into the unknown. It was about her finding her way back home. It was a magical song that always made my eyes mist over when he played it.

  “Okay, then. See you Sunday. I won’t be back until late. It is down in the Cape and you know how traffic is,” Conner grumbled. He jumped into the truck and turned up the bass on his stereo.

  I went inside my parents’ house and grabbed Niall out of his swing. I saturated him with kisses all over his chubby, rosy cheeked face. I heard the truck and trailer pull away and we went to the window to watch Conner back the truck onto the street. We waved as I explained to Niall that Uncle Conner was in his twenties without a care in the world and I had a gorgeous little boy…and an unanswered marriage proposal.

  I put Niall in his baby seat while I sang to him. I looked at his little face with a critical examination, trying to point out my features but all I saw was Teagan. My family continuously told me Niall was the spitting image of me as a baby but I still couldn’t see it. I desperately wanted him to look like me and maybe eventually he would. But until he looked like me, he could be his own little person. I was so grateful every day that I chose him.

  SIX

  That night, I found myself alone in the house with Niall with nothing to do. It was so quiet. I had done the dishes, cleaned the toilet, unplugged the hair from the shower drain and then I was watching Niall sleep, praying he would wake up and talk to me. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. Being inside my own head was not a great place and something had to change. I turned on the television for the noise.

  I sat and stared at the television as if it had all the answers to changing my life. After I watched the weather forecast for the next day, sunny and in the high 60s, I sighed and got up to pace the apartment. I was anxious. I walked aimlessly around the apartment, moving one pillow to the sofa, picking up little socks and then I gazed around at my immaculate apartment and wondered what to do with the rest of my night.

  I stared at the computer with apprehension and decided to check my email. Since, I started emailing friends and family, they also shared updated photos of their family, too. It was amusing going down memory lane. But, that night, I so wanted an email from Nick. I wanted something that would make this Friday night stimulating. I just needed a mere five minutes of excitement. That’s it. Five minutes and I promised I would never take advantage of fun times ever again.

  When I logged into my personal account, I saw Nick had written to me the day before. I took a huge breath before I clicked it open. He was only kidding about the marriage proposal. He was just pleased I was a Phish fan. It was that plain and simple. I moved the mouse and clicked.

  To: Lizzie O’Malley

  From: Nick Sawyer

  Subject: Phish?

  Hey Lizzie,

  Claudia and I aren’t seeing each other any longer, so I have an extra ticket. Do you want to go along for old time’s sake? Call me 617-555-3845.

  Nick

  I gasped as a little flutter traveled up through my chest. They broke up. Was he upset? He didn’t sound
upset. Phish with Nick? God, if only. I didn’t have a nanny or a babysitter on the weekends. That was what needed to change. I needed a night out from time to time. One night when no one could tell I was a single mother. I needed one - three hour spot for myself to break out of this monotonous schedule and enjoy being twenty four years old.

  To: Nick Sawyer

  From: Lizzie O’Malley

  Re: Phish?

  Hey, sorry I didn’t get this until now. That sucks about Claudia. I hope you weren’t too upset but yes, I want to come with you!! I am looking into finding a babysitter. I will call you but here is my number: 781-555-1114.

  Talk soon!

  Lizzie

  I closed out the email account and sighed. I immediately called my mom and begged them to take Niall the following night because I wanted to go out. My parents were the only ones I trusted on such short notice. They would spoil Niall and give him as much love and attention as I would.

  “Well, we were going to go to a neighborhood dinner party, but your father isn’t really interested,” my mother confessed.

  “Oh, tell him this is the perfect way to get out of it,” I snickered. “Please, Mom. I really need one night out. No drugs or alcohol. I am just going to a concert with a friend.”

  “Who is the friend?” she asked.

  “Umm. Well, you don’t know him. I mean her,” I uttered. Shit, I cringed as it sunk in that I just admitted more to my mother than I wanted to. Here it comes.

  “Oh my God, Lizzie. It’s that boy you met for lunch, isn’t it?” she exclaimed.

  “Yeah. But Mom, we are just friends. He has a girlfriend,” I lied. I didn’t want her getting any ideas and then give me advice on what to wear and how to act.

  “What time are you bringing our beautiful grandson over?” she asked. Well, that was easy. She obviously wants to see me married off.

  “Is three okay? That would give me time to get ready and have him pick me up in time to go out. I will check in often,” I promised, feeling excited for the first time in months.

  “Oh, don’t you dare call us. We will call if there is an emergency. Now, see you at three. I will let your father know,” she practically sang her response. She sounded as delighted as I felt. I knew my mother was proud I was taking a chance on life again.

  “Thanks, Mom. You guys are the best!” I felt giddy already. The happy dance took over. I wanted to wake Niall and dance with him since he was the only person around. I refrained from that and from squealing and from running around the house in a frenzied manic episode of excitement.

  I called Nick. He didn’t answer his phone. Maybe he was avoiding my call. No. Did he even know my number? Jesus, Lizzie, you are so paranoid. I left him a message and told him I could go. I gave him my address and then I fumbled with my words and it was so heart wrenchingly awful. I sounded like I had never spoken to another human being ever before.

  “So, if the offer is still open. If you still want me to go or if you haven’t found anyone else yet, I will go. But if you have, that is totally cool but can you call and just let me know if I am going or if the other person is.” Oh, hell. “Okay, just call me.” I deflated and hung up.

  Five minutes later, Nick called back. I jumped up and let it ring three long times trying to find my composure to answer coolly. What came out was a low growl sound that resembled a bear. Could I be any more ridiculous? “Lizzie! You are coming! That is killer.” His voice was a throaty rasp of perfection. I didn’t have anything to say back. I was thrilled that he was glad I was going. “Can I pick you up at 4:30? This is so amazing. It will be great to have you there with me!” The energy in his voice took me by surprise. I couldn’t fully grasp it. He wanted me to go as much as I wanted to go. And wow, he was so animated over the phone. I didn’t realize he would be so eager.

  My heart was pounding hard and I paced the kitchen in anticipation. We didn’t speak for a few moments. I listened to his breathing. It was heavy and I closed my eyes tight to suppress a squeal again. Apparently, I also lost my tongue. I had to laugh because I was so too damn uncomfortable. “Okay, so I guess we are on for tomorrow. So, see you at 4:30?” I asked with a smile. His answer was a sexy hum and I lost all the feeling in my legs. That was that. I was going to Phish with Nick Sawyer.

  “K, Lizzie, see you then,” Nick replied more smoothly. “Oh and Lizzie? I am really glad you said yes.”

  My breath caught and I sputtered, “Me too.” Oh no, did I just say yes to his marriage proposal? Yes to going to the show with him? Yes to having hot steamy sex with him? No, stop. It is only a concert with a guy I met. No marriage, no sex, no nothing. Just two friends going to a concert together, alone. Alone. Together alone.

  I lie down on the black leather couch and tried so hard to fall asleep. I keep hearing Nick’s voice telling me he was so happy I said yes. I flipped around for hours until eleven o’clock when Niall woke for a bottle. As I prepared his formula, I thought about the concert. I was genuinely excited to see the band again but immediately, my thoughts went back to Nick. I imagined the night in great detail and I groaned.

  My stomach was a pit of nerves and I couldn’t catch a deep breath. I was so excited to go but I hadn’t been this nervous in… forever. I wasn’t this nervous with Teagan because I knew the score until well… I didn’t. Icy cold water soaked my heart as I reminded myself that wasn’t going to get involved with a man ever again. My heart was closed off to the opposite sex but I couldn’t help thinking that I might be that pathological liar.

  That next morning, I was in an obnoxious and loud frenzy. I swear I heard people knocking on the walls to get me to shut up. I didn’t care. Didn’t they know that I had no idea what I was going to wear? This was a fucking emergency. During Niall’s one o’clock nap, I brought down the pre-pregnancy clothes from the closet and started in on them like a hysterical spaz. I threw my size eight pants to the side, because let’s face it; those aren’t going to happen for a while. I pulled out an old Phish 1997 show shirt and tried it on. Hmm, the belly bump was shrinking.

  I found my purple flowered wrap around skirt and tried that on. No way. I still looked 100% pregnant. I threw that to the side, too and clenched my fists in the air, cursing loudly. That was another thing those books never tell a pregnant woman. Lizzie, suck it up because you will never be your pre-pregnancy weight because you just gained forty pounds and it was all in your belly and your ass. My size twelve Dickies painter pants sat off to the side in my closet and I looked at them with a plea. Please just fit. Flatten this stomach.

  I pulled on the waist band really hard and prayed as I put them on. With a final inhale, I zipped them up and threw on my black leather belt. I went to the mirror and was pleasantly surprised. I kind of looked like the old Lizzie. I went to work on my hair, braiding it like I always did for Phish shows. Two braids on each side, rolled up into one braid down the back and the rest of my auburn hair falling over my shoulders. It made me look crunchy and young. I thought about that for a moment and giggled. I was crunchy and young again! The happy dance took over again and I decided to throw in the Junta CD I listened to during my entire high school career.

  All of a sudden, I realized I wasn’t dressing up for Nick or any other guy. I wasn’t dressing up with thoughts of Teagan’s memory. I was dressing up for a Phish concert. I was dressing up for me. The memories of feeling free and dancing in a sea of thousands of beautiful and joyful people encompassed my spirit. I threw on a little mascara and lip gloss. I decided on my white and black Adidas sneakers for dancing comfort and threw my two inch sandals and my Bowdoin College sweatshirt in a bag. Okay, a pleasurable night. I could have a fun night without Niall and certainly without Teagan.

  SEVEN

  When I dropped Niall off at my parents, they looked so surprised. My dad looked at me with his mouth open, slightly dazed.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You just look like…you like the old Lizzie. My goodness.” Dad beamed at me and I stared at the twinkle i
n his hazel eyes. He knew I was coming back into the world. I wondered how long he had been worried about me. My father never said much but his looks definitely did. He could say so much with one look and today, I saw hope.

  I giggled and looked down at Niall who was gazing at my dad like he was an alien. I took him out of the car seat and handed him over to my father. I patted his back and gave my dad a peck on the cheek. I took a look around the house and wondered what I was supposed to do next. Just leave? No, that can’t be right. The tears came on full force.

  One whole night without my little guy. Sure, I did a few hours here and there to go see Conner play, but I never partied and I only stayed through the set, never later than midnight. Those nights, I just slept with my parents. But this was a whole night, almost a whole two days.

  “Wait! I don’t have to go. He is still so young. This isn’t me. I don’t just leave my baby to go off to a concert overnight.” I started to make my way back to Niall, guilt ridden and exasperated.

  “Get your butt back in that car, Elizabeth, and do not come back until tomorrow afternoon,” my mother insisted with that “I am the boss” voice. I hung my head and she wrapped her arms around me. “I am so proud of you, Lizzie. You have a great job, a beautiful little boy, and you are a great woman. Now go have fun for the first time in over a year. It is your turn to let go,” she said gently.

  I walked out the door and to my car. As I put my keys in the ignition, I turned around to see the car seat bottom and let out a whimper. I would miss my little man but the anticipation of having one night to play like the young adult I was far outweighed my guilt.

  Back at the apartment, I paced. I checked my makeup, my hair, my baby bump. I ate a cold piece of pizza and debated if I should go pee about a million times. I was so nervous. When 4:45 rolled around, I was convinced Nick wasn’t coming. I sat on the couch and started to grab the remote to the television when a thunderous knock came to my door.