Both of Her Read online

  My eyes slowly open and I see a head of hair at my left arm. The owner of that head is holding my hand, sleeping on my arm, and holding my hand.

  “Camden,” I rasp out. “Camden?”

  The heart monitor starts to go crazy. He is alive and he is sitting next to me in my hospital room. Oh thank god. I burst out into a river of tears. My shoulders sagging.

  His face immediately flies up and his puffy, red eyes are searching mine with love and fear. I know exactly how he feels. I’m sure I have the same look in my eyes. I am afraid this is just a dream. I’m in love with Camden and only he can bring me back to life. Only he can make me feel like the woman I want to be. Only his love will mend my broken spirit.

  “Oh, baby. Baby, are you okay? Are you in any pain?” His hands fly up to the sides of my face and he strokes my cheeks with adoration. The tears continue to flow. Somehow through it all, I feel him. Every ounce of this man’s strength is seeping from his hands onto my face. Is it possible to feel love through hands, because I feel it. I feel the love he has for me just from his fingertips touching my face.

  I nod my head. “I’m the best I can be because you’re here,” I cry. My whole face scrunches up and I lose it. “Oh, God, Camden. I was in hell. Oh Jesus.”

  I wail and sob. I sob and stutter out words that make no sense. I see the nurses come in and out, but they don’t tear him away from me. We are holding on to one another like we are welded together. If he ever lets me go, I may not be able to stand on my own feet.

  In this moment, there are no real words for what he and I have been through. We hold each other like someone is going to come in and rip us apart again. There are no actions that might come close to what we both need to show one another.

  “I was so scared for you, baby,” Camden tries to begin.

  I nod. “I know. I know. I thought you were dead. I went through the shooting in my head over and over again. Every time, you didn’t live and so…eventually I didn’t want to live either.”

  Camden hugs me so hard I pant out that it’s too tight. He chuckles and attempts to swipe away the wetness on his face. I fall back to the pillows and remember all the damage Colin did to my body.

  I try to say something. I try to explain why I won’t ever be able to be naked with him again. I briefly wonder if he might be interested in a sexual relationship again, because with all the damage done to me, I don’t know if I can be intimate with anyone ever again. But when I look at Camden, I don’t see the lust that always shines on me with his blazing heated eyes. I see a man who wants to take care of me. All of me. Everyone I have always been and anyone I ever might be.

  “How did you find me?” I ask quietly.

  “I think Lola will want the honors of telling you. She, Heath, and your parents are downstairs grabbing coffee.”

  I look up in surprise when he says Heath’s name. And my parents. Oh god help me.

  “He came back to you?” I ask. My questions about my parents saved for when I see them.

  He nods vigorously and winces. “I know you two had a past and believe me, I don’t ever want to see proof of that again, but he is a good man, Luca. Someone found him on the side of the road about a mile from the farmhouse. He made them take him to the police station before anything else. Unfortunately, he passed out on the car ride and was in and out of consciousness for weeks. He still has some liver damage and he can’t feel a few of his toes due to the cold, but he survived.”

  “Wow, I thought for sure he didn’t make it. When I saw him…” I swallow hard and can’t seem to catch my breath. It feels like someone is pouring air down my throat, trying to choke me.

  Camden places his hand on my forearm that obviously has a deep cut under its tight bandages. “It’s okay, sweetheart. It might take a while for you to talk about it and I completely understand. I just want you home with me, so I can protect you for the rest of your life.”

  My eyes begin to water again. There is so much healing for both of us to do. I swear to myself that I will protect him against my past forever. If I have to change my identity, quit my job, or move to a different continent, I won’t allow my previous life to hinder our future together. I try to relay that with my eyes. His radiant smile tells me we don’t need words right now. We don’t need anything but one another.

  It feels like hours before I finally see my parents walk through the door. My mom’s hands fly to her mouth when she sees I’m awake.

  “My baby.” Those beautiful words fall from her quivering lips.

  “Mom.” I begin to cry. Camden backs away from me. My mom hurries to carefully cup my face. Her soothing kisses parading all over my face.

  “I’ll be right outside,” Camden speaks softly, patting my dad on the shoulder.

  “Dad,” I say through my tears.

  “I’m so sorry.” My shoulders sag. God, how disappointed they must be in me.

  “Luca, look at me, honey?” says my father, the man who, up until the day Camden came into my life again, was the only man who ever had my heart. He will always have it, no matter what my future with Camden brings.

  I lift my head, tears of disappointment in myself leak and fall down my face. My mom wipes every single one of them away.

  “A parent’s love for their child is unconditional, Luca. I’ve loved you since they day your mom told me she was pregnant. I will love you beyond the time I take my last breath, but if you don’t take care of that man standing outside and love him for the rest of your life, that will be the only time you will disappoint me. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  I do understand. I nod my head toward my dad. I will take care of Camden and love him for the rest of my life. If my parents taught me anything it was the ability to love. I just never truly loved myself first. I don’t know if I really can, but with a man like Camden, my parents, Lola, Mitch, Leo, and Carl – all who love me by my side – all I can do is try.

  “I’m so sorry.” I begin crying all over again once Heath and Camden enter my room, followed by Lola, who looks like shit. God how I wish I was in the mood to crack a joke and tell her how bad she looks, but I don’t. She’s a sight for these eyes that have seen more than I care to remember.

  “Luca. Please.” Heath nudges past Camden, his eyes pleading for me not to worry or blame this on myself. It will forever be my fault. A constant rattle in my head won’t let me forget that all of this was my doing.

  My selfish, fucked up life of being both of her.

  Never again.

  Rest assured, my name is Luca.

  The day Camden Steel walked back into my life, Lucia died.

  EPILOGUE

  Six months later

  I sit in the middle of Grant Park in the Central Business District of Chicago. The light fall breeze is refreshing across my skin. Lights from the boats on the water in the distance will soon become a memory. I’m moving away with Camden, starting a fresh life for him and me. I’ve opened a branch of Divider in San Francisco, expanding to the west coast while Mitch and Leo run the branch in Chicago. I take a deep breath, inhaling air into my lungs. Air that six months ago, I counted every breath I took wondering if it would be my last. At the time, hoping it would be.

  In this short period of time I’ve become a different woman. But one I’m truly proud of. Do I fight off demons? Yes I do, every single day. However, I don’t fight them alone. I fight them with the man sitting beside me, holding my hand, while we wait for night to descend upon us and the lights to illuminate the famous Crown Fountain. In all the years I’ve lived here never once did I enter this park. Now we come here as often as possible. The scenery, the people, and the many attractions put a smile on my face.

  I’ve taken so much in my life for granted. Friends, family, and above all else, myself. I thought I needed fancy designer clothes and jewelry. I also thought the only way I could truly get what I wanted was to give my body over to men I knew nothing about. Walking away thinking I was satisfied when deep down I was anything but.


  These past few months in therapy have taught me so much. One thing I’ve learned is that satisfaction is guaranteed, but only you can decide how much of it you want to bring into your life. I want it all, but not in the form of selling my body. All those years I thought if I wasn’t taking money then I could go on and pretend that I wasn’t what society calls a whore. But I was. It’s one of those forgive and forget things. I’ve forgiven myself, but I will never be able to forget the things I’ve done or let others do to me.

  I sigh peacefully, lying my head on Camden’s shoulder to watch the show. The young children around us clap and yell in delight. Such a joyous sound. A sound I welcome so deep in my heart that it excites me. I’m not pregnant, but I hope to be someday soon. A normal life is my wish. Where I may be a changed woman in a lot of ways, I still will never back down from getting what I want.

  “You ready?” Camden stands, reaching out to grab ahold of my hand.

  “I am,” I say. Lifting up on my converse covered toes, I kiss those sensuous lips of his. Oh yes, I have found these sneakers to be my favorite pair of shoes. After a three week stay at the hospital I was finally able to return home to my apartment. The first thing I noticed was every gown and every pair of shoes had disappeared. I know Lola was the backbone behind it all. Her subtle way of telling me my life as Lucia was over. She beat me to the punch by tossing them all away. I never asked her what she did with them and she never offered to tell me. The jewels have all been auctioned off, the money donated to homeless shelters all across the country. That was graciously handled by the man who is now escorting me to his car.

  “Wait,” two deep voices call out just as we approach the car. Those voices I will miss more than anything in this world. One scoops me into his arms, while the other grabs my face and plants a big wet kiss on my mouth.

  “Nasty, Leo.” I jerk out of his hold.

  “That’s not what she said, as a matter of fact she said –”

  “Shut up, asshole,” Mitch grumbles from behind me. He sits me down on the sidewalk. I turn so I’m facing my two dearest friends. The men who have taken such great care of me these past six months while I heal and was able to come to terms with what Colin and Annie did. They nearly killed me. I loved and cared for them both and their betrayal destroyed me. I have permanent scars etched across my entire body to remind me every day of what Colin did to me. The deepest one across my stomach causes me so much heartache when I touch it. The old Luca would have called the world’s greatest surgeon and had surgery to cover these scars, but not the new Luca. Not the woman I was raised to be. A woman who no longer lives in vein. A woman who parades around in grey converse. A woman I’m beginning to love.

  “Well shit, man, she’s leaving. I needed to try and persuade her to stay one last time.” Leo chuckles at his own joke while Camden growls.

  I laugh at them both.

  Three pairs of eyes glisten, staring me down like I’m some kind of clown. All three of them have child-like grins on their faces.

  “What?” I say in confusion.

  “I haven’t heard your carefree laugh since, well, never,” Mitch says, taking a step in my direction.

  “Oh.” I stare back at my friends and my man. We sit in silence for several moments before someone else says anything.

  “She’s going to be okay, guys, you have my word,” Camden says, breaking the silence.

  “We know,” they respond in unison for the second time in five minutes.

  “Don’t you dare get me crying. I’ve cried enough these past six months to last me the rest of my life. Besides,” I swipe out my hand. “It’s not like we won’t be talking every day.”

  Leo laughs, his big eyes boring happily into mine. “Damn right we will. Now, go. Have a safe flight.” I lean in and wrap my arms around him, placing my head on his shoulder. I do the same with Mitch, distraughtly holding back the urge to cry.

  “Those two love you very much.” Camden puts his arms around my waist, pulling me into him as I release my friends. My forehead lands on the center of his chest.

  I laugh as Leo blares his car horn all the way down the street.

  “Honestly, they’re all I’m going to miss about this city. I’m ready for sun, warmth, and a fresh new start with you.” The smell of him surrounds me. If safety, love, and happiness had a smell, it would be Camden.

  My brave man, healed from his gunshot wound. Even though he’s scared from my past, here he is, holding me in his arms.

  Whispering words of promises I know he will keep.

  Telling me he loves me.

  This brave, beautiful man has stood by my side through so much heartache.

  Listening to me tell my therapist all about the things Colin forced me to do.

  Me hating it every single time.

  It doesn’t matter if at the time I tried to convince myself I was Lucia and acting like I wanted him. I didn’t. Not once. How could I when my heart sang loud and clear to me every single time that I was betraying the best thing that ever happened to me. The most precious gift I have been given. I’ve been given Camden.

  The hurt in his eyes was unforgettable when I first stumbled upon those regretful words. I was forced to have sex with Colin. The gut wrenching tears, so uncontrollable pouring down my face shows how much I hate myself. It is the tears leaking from his stunning orbs that tells me how much he loves me. Not once did this amazing man blame me. Not once did he leave me and not once did he complain when it took me four months to be able to make love to him. To me this is only the beginning of what love is all about. We have so much more to learn about the meaning of love, but we are in this together, him and me facing our deepest demons together, forever.

  THE END