Unsettled (Chosen #1) Read online

  After ten minutes of kissing and letting him explore underneath my bra, I rolled off him and almost onto the floor. He caught me and started laughing. “Where are you going?” he asked with total amusement.

  “Nowhere. I mean, I wanted to ask if I got the bed right. Is this your bed?”

  “Umm…actually no.” He smiled. “This is Cian’s. I guess we should move over to my bed, huh?”

  “Yes. I don’t really feel comfortable kissing you in another man’s bed,” I said with a laugh.

  “You are so beautiful. Go get in my bed and get comfortable. I will go get us some beers,” he said nervously, and headed for the kitchen.

  I tossed myself face down on Teagan’s bed. His pillow smelled clean. It smelled like Teagan and I was so excited for his touch again that I started squealing into the pillow. Suddenly, remembering I was only in my bra, I got really self conscious and started for my t-shirt. As Teagan came in, I had just pulled my hair out from underneath the back of my shirt.

  “What are you doing?” Teagan asked, perplexed.

  “Nothing. I mean, I just felt a little cold,” I said, embarrassed.

  We both fell silent after he gave me a bottled beer and sat down next to me on the edge of the bed. It seemed we were both in sync as we took swills from our beers. After a few minutes, I heard Freddie and Kellan come in the front door and music was turned on. I stood up and looked around the bare bedroom, taking interest in a large walk in closet, which was also extremely bare. From what I knew of Teagan, which was not much deeper than his major in college, he was a very simple guy. How had we spent so many hours kissing rather than talking? His bedroom didn’t even tell me what his favorite book was.

  “So,” I said as I snapped my fingers together. “What do you want to do now?” He gave me a slight smile and put his arm around me, snuggling his mouth into my hair.

  “I want you to take off your shirt again,” he said slowly as he trailed his finger along my collarbone.

  I squirmed away from him and laughed. “That tickles.”

  “Ah, maybe we should find out all of your tickle spots now that we are alone in a private place,” he suggested with a big grin.

  “No, no. I will take off my shirt! No tickling.” I raised my hands up in surrender and he chuckled. He took the beer out of my hand and propped both bottles up against the wall. He turned me around to lay so we faced each other on his bed. We both started touching each other’s faces and his hands followed the curve of my side. When he leaned in to kiss me, I forgot that I knew nothing about Teagan. I succumbed to the desire to be the center of his attention for as long as he wanted me. His kiss was slow and gentle but after several moments, the kiss grew deeper. He lifted the hem of my shirt and gave me a confident look as he stripped it off over my head. He didn’t look at my chest. His eyes remained on mine. He grabbed my waist and murmured, “So soft.” I felt the heat fall from my belly all the way to my toes. He chuckled. He must have felt the same spark.

  “You’re blushing,” he said with a cocked eyebrow.

  I buried my face in his shoulder and meekly said, “I’m sorry.” He began to rub my back and I felt a sense of calm come over me. The past three days were automatically pushed out of my mind as I listened to the slow breath coming from his rising chest. I didn’t think of Darcy and what she was going through. I didn’t feel the broken distance from my brother. All I could think about was Teagan. He nipped at my shoulder while he rubbed his hands up and down my arms. Someone saw me. Someone wanted to hold me. Someone finally wanted to care. We started to pleasure each other through touches, murmurs, and intimate kisses everywhere.

  Nine

  Run Away

  As I woke to the naked body beside me and the annoying alarm clock shrilling through the bare room, I groaned.

  “Fuck,” Teagan said under his breath. I immediately shot off the bed and slammed my hands down on the annoying clock, hoping to silence my swirling brain. How much did I drink last night? After recalling the night before, I shrugged off the feeling of disappointment. Teagan didn’t have a condom so we couldn’t have sex. That was good, I guess. Being safe was a good thing.

  We discovered every inch of each other’s body with our hands and mouths, sans a condom, until we were both too exhausted to continue. The living room party drew us of the bedroom. We joined the small crowd until we both stumbled to the bed, laughing at each other’s missteps. He grabbed me and fully unclothed me. I was so tipsy, I didn’t protest.

  “I already don’t want to go to work.” He cleared his sleepy voice and looked over at me. “I want to sleep in the nude with you all summer long,” he said as he stripped the sheets off of himself.

  “That’s good since it’s ninety fucking degrees in this place with no air conditioning.” I sighed. “Alas, Mr. Gallagher, you need to get going! It’s your first day of work, Mr. Irishmen.”

  I snuggled up against his back as he tried to sit up and started rubbing his hands over his eyes. He looked over his shoulder at me and grinned.

  “Go back to sleep,” he whispered in a gentle Irish morning accent.

  “Hmmm.” I sighed.

  He chuckled and I blocked out the rest of the bustling noise coming from Teagan and the other roommates by shoving the flat pillow over my head. The shower turned on and off but no one spoke. After a while, the front door closed and I drifted back to sleep.

  At eleven, I heard the shrill of the alarm clock again. What the fuck? I stood to slam my hand on it again, only to realize it was coming from the kitchen. I scurried down the hall, pulling up my pants and without even thinking, I answered the ringing phone.

  “Hello?” I said breathlessly.

  “Lizzie! Good morning,” Teagan said. His voice was deep and pleased.

  “Hello, Teagan,” I replied, feeling my stomach turning as I thought about what we did the night before.

  “How are you? Are you getting on okay at my place?” he asked.

  “Well, since I just woke up and I’m feeling kind of shitty from last night, I have yet to make that conclusion,” I whispered, sighing. I sat on one of the bar stools and put my head on the kitchen bar.

  “Are you going to make it?” he asked with a chuckle.

  “Yup,” I said. “I had a lot of fun last night. With you …and the guys, of course.” His murmured agreement warmed my heart then it shuttered. This is the second time Teagan has called after a night of intimacy. He really does want to be in a pseudo relationship. Wow. I’d never been in this situation before and my heart tugged at my chest, picturing him picking up his desk phone at work to call me. My thoughts were cut off by a small creak of the door down the hall.

  “Oh, I didn’t realize one of the guys was still here,” I said to Teagan.

  “Oh, Freddie. He doesn’t start working until Wednesday.”

  My heart started to flutter as I looked down at my Counting Crows shirt, reeking of beer, smoke, and sweat. “Okay, well, I’m heading out soon. Talk later?” I asked.

  “What?” he asked surprised. “I mean, please stay. I should get out of here at four then a couple of lads and I are going to go to The Littlest Bar near the Commons. Come down and be with me. Plus, I stopped at the pharmacy this morning,” he said in a suggestive manner.

  “Well, I have those interviews and I have to start working on getting my books…” I trailed off, pausing on the part when he said he went to the pharmacy. My cheeks flamed up and oh God, for the first time, I felt suffocated and totally confused. I could have sex with a man when I was intoxicated but the mention of planning to have sex with Teagan made me a bit uncomfortable. I was speechless.

  “Cat got your tongue?” He laughed. “Take down this number. The office gave me this fancy pager, so use it and let me know when you can come down tonight.” He rattled off the numbers and I repeated them, looking down at the buttons on the phone, tracing over them with my fingers. Sometimes my photographic memory worked, and well, sometimes it didn’t. We’d find out which.
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br />   We hung up, and when I raced back to Teagan’s room to retrieve my things, I ran smack into Freddie. He pulled me up and smiled at me.

  “Good morning,” he said with a sincere smile.

  “Morning,” I mumbled. “I was just leaving. I have to head home.”

  “Ah, well I was going to make coffee. Do you want some before you head out?” he asked.

  I felt myself suffocating even more. What the hell was going on with me? I liked being in Teagan’s arms, but Freddie was something more. He wanted to have coffee with me now? He didn’t even acknowledge me last night at the bar but he stared at me that night I first entered the house and didn’t want to leave me alone with Teagan. I occasionally caught him watching me, unabashedly, the night before and he smiled directly into my eyes. Before I could smile back, he would snap his stare away.

  “Lizzie?” he asked, concerned. “What are you thinking?”

  “Umm...nothing. Coffee sounds great. Can I take a shower first? I’m disgusting.”

  He turned away to get a towel out of the closet and said under his breath, “Impossible.”

  Twenty minutes later, I walked out of Teagan’s room with my hair wet and my bag over my shoulder. I was ready to leave. I felt like I was doing something wrong by being in Teagan’s house without him.

  “Hey, Freddie, I have to get going so I’m going to pass on the coffee,” I said. I didn’t want to go into any deep conversation with him. When he commented that it would be impossible for me to be disgusting, I knew it would happen. Freddie felt something for me. He was fighting it but it was there. I wouldn’t encourage that. Eventually, he would see that I wanted to be friends and nothing else. Until then, there would be no Lizzie and Freddie in the same room alone. Stamped and approved. Thank you very much. He looked perplexed and nodded his head.

  “So…see ya,” I said, smiling.

  “Bye, Lizzie. Hope we get to see you soon,” he replied.

  “Thanks. You too,” I said meekly.

  I couldn’t help the sinking feeling that I was running away from Teagan and Freddie at the same time. Confusing! As I fiddled with the radio and put the car in gear, there was an overwhelming feeling that I wouldn’t see them again in the same way as the first night we spent together. I knew it was impossible to already feel a pull toward them, but I did. I felt so comfortable partying with them and I was able to just be myself. Well, my drinking self. Ugh. I still wasn’t feeling good from all the beers I had the night before.

  Clearing my mind, I started to think about my new books at Mass Bay and the interview I had on Wednesday. I didn’t know what I was more nervous about. I would most likely be in classes with eighteen-year-olds and that made me feel like a total loser.

  On the other hand, the interview would go fine, but I didn’t have the business casual attire. I thought about how inexperienced I was at appearing to have my shit together in the real world. I was sure that my previous experience with administrative work would impress them enough to do the data entry. Honestly, I didn’t really want the job anyway but no one needed to know that. Pushing the thought back into my mind, I remembered Teagan’s lips on my stomach and the inside of my thighs. I sighed. At least, I had experience in the Teagan department. Last night was so fun and yes, The Littlest Bar sounded like a good distraction.

  Ten

  Feud

  As I headed into Wellesley, I saw Darcy sitting on a bench next to a smoothie bar. I immediately turned into a street spot, popped a quarter in the parking meter and headed towards her.

  “Darcy!”

  She looked up and smiled.

  When I approached, we immediately exchanged looks that told each other how sorry we were. When we were within speaking distance, we spoke over each other about the fault and blame from the night of her accident. We held hands over the table as tears almost came to my eyes. Darcy’s mother came out of the smoothie bar and stood still. When we both looked up, I tore my hand out of hers and she started to walk towards the table, sitting down, facing away from me. Darcy looked at her then glanced up at me with a sympathetic smile.

  “Well, I’m glad you’re well. Take care, Darcy,” I said, defeated, and walked away. When I turned around, she had her hand up in a small wave. I knew that was the end of our friendship. Another one bites the dust. Just run away from the pain, Lizzie. There is no repairing the past. Did Darcy and Conner break up because of me? Fuck. I needed to talk to Conner.

  I walked into the front door of my parents’ sprawling white home that lay on the corner of a pristine neighborhood street of Wellesley. I dropped my bag next to the front door and headed to the kitchen for coffee. Mom and Dad were both at work, and if I knew his schedule right, Conner was attending his classes. When I turned into the kitchen, Conner was standing there, talking on the phone with a murmur. When he spotted me, he quickly said goodbye and hung up the phone.

  “Lizzie,” he stated in a hushed tone.

  “Yes?” I asked. What fucking now, I thought, rolling my eyes while I grabbed the coffee pot.

  “Lizzie, can we talk?”

  I turned around and cocked an eyebrow at him while blowing the steam off my coffee.

  “I’m worried about you. You came home only two weeks ago and while I imagine you are getting… umm… reacquainted with your old friends, you’re never home. You didn’t even call Mom or Dad last night. They were up half the night worrying and I had to pick up the mess, Lizzie. What’s going on with you? The whole thing with Darcy was totally fucked up but now I know you did try to stop her but I’m still angry you drank,” he stated with his hands in his pockets.

  “Did you guys break up?” I asked. He sighed and shoved his fingers through his hair in frustration.

  “No. Her mother doesn’t really like you right now because she can’t accept that Darcy would ever do something that stupid. Being that I’m your brother, I’m guilty by association and only get to talk to her on the phone for like thirty minutes a day.” He shrugged.

  I couldn’t take it anymore. I knew it was my fault but for fuck’s sake, I body slammed the girl. I begged her to wait just an hour or two so I could drink some coffee. If she hadn’t been so quick to get out of there that night then I know events would have ended differently. But yes, it was my fault. I already felt it, knew it and lived with it every day

  “You shouldn’t have gotten pissed at her that night,” I said blandly. “She wanted to leave because she thought you were going to break up with her if she didn’t rush home.”

  He blanched. I cursed. I bowed my head and gave him a look that reminded him that I was aware of what I had done.

  “Listen,” I said. “I’m an adult and have been for over five years. I’m going to school and I’m getting a job this week. Whatever I do in my free time is my business. I am here temporarily. That’s it. Shit, most of my friends are moving in with their boyfriends or freaking getting married! I am not trying to be a jerk and maybe I am, but I have tried to save face in any way possible with Darcy and her mother. I fucked up but I can’t sit around alone and listen to other people tell me what I already fucking know!”

  He threw up his hands. “THAT’S NOT THE FUCKING POINT, LIZZIE!”

  “Yeah, I figured. Just lay off, Conner. Just forget about me. I’m not your problem,” I replied in a flat tone and walked out of the kitchen. I didn’t want to be yelled at after such a fucking wonderful night with Teagan. Jesus, every time I let loose and was myself, someone jumped in and reminded me how much of a piece of shit I was. Like they needed to tell me that to realize what I already knew. Just once, I wanted to be left alone. Just friggin once.

  Conner followed me and continued to shout. I didn’t know exactly what he said but it was a lot of cuss words about me being a fucking loser. I already knew that, asshole. I turned to stare at him while he continued to yell at me and nodded at him in the appropriate places until he was finished.

  “I got it,” I said with finality. I headed up the stairs and straight into the
shower. I turned the water as cold as it could get and stood under it, trembling and crying. Conner always got me right where it hurt and it took a long time to mentally mute him. His words were swords and they hit my weakest points. Even though I always cried after Conner’s outbursts, I’d never let him see me cry. The goose bumps that rose on my arms made me feel dead. I’m alive. I have a purpose. I’m alive. The thoughts just never seemed to sink in. The burning tears quickly merged with the cold water and I leaned my trembling lips into the shower until my tears left me. Cold showers were magic because they took the red out of my eyes.

  After my shower, I headed to my room and found it partially open. Conner was sitting on my bed and looking at me as I walked in. “Look,” he said, “I didn’t want to scream at you. I’m not sorry for it but I shouldn’t have yelled. You just don’t hear anything these days. You aren’t…well, you.”

  I pointed my finger at the door while holding my towel up around my chest and pressing my lips together. As Conner walked by, he dipped his dark red curly head and kissed me noisily on my cheek. When he left, I smiled. Conner was also very good at flipping the good brother switch on me. At times, those lectures made me cry more but today, I didn’t have any more tears.

  No matter how mad my brother got, he knew what it was like to have no direction in life. In the years before I moved out, I watched him drink himself into oblivion over and over. It wasn’t until he got together with Darcy that he tamed his ways. I wondered if Darcy was his drink of choice now. If they broke up, would he go back to his ways? I threw in “Under the bridge” by Red Hot Chili Peppers, turned it up to the highest volume level, and grabbed my guitar. I stared blankly out my window, and strummed my guitar to the song. The CD ended abruptly and I looked up to find Conner in the doorway.