Unchosen (Chosen #2) Page 12
“No,” I said with determination. I was nervous but I couldn’t tell him. His worried expression made me resolute to stick with my air of confidence.
“So how is Jessica?” I asked, feeling awful that I changed the subject to my least favorite topic. I hated that he was dating this new girl, Jessica. He had met her only a week after he broke up with Anna and I didn’t want to think how even more beautiful she probably was. I was pea green with envy over a girl I had never laid eyes on. The more he talked about other women, the more I wanted to become a serial killer. I wanted him more and more everyday but the mask I wore around him gave no hint to my changed feelings.
“She is good. Perfect, actually.” He gave a shy smile as he obviously thought of her.
I groaned inwardly and threw a pair of Nike’s in my bag. “Good,” I said begrudgingly.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong,” I said. Bull shit, Lizzie. You have to tell him why you are taking this trip. It is for him. You are such a chicken shit for not telling him about your requited feelings, even if he doesn’t have them anymore.
Freddie and I had slowed things way down since my talk with Conner. We hung out as friends but I no longer hooked up with him. It just wasn’t fair to my heart. Sex was one thing but like Conner had said, it really wasn’t me. Not anymore. I did want something more intimate. We met for lunch occasionally but our schedules were too different.
Since I wouldn’t allow him to come to my house because of Niall, we just didn’t see each other outside the city. I didn’t care. Well, not that much. He was really good in bed but once we got the deed over, I was lightning fast out of there. I didn’t want the cuddle afterwards or the polite meal. It was Nick that made me want to cuddle on the couch and feed each other Chinese food. I wanted to do those things but not with Freddie.
Niall started crying from his room and Nick went to get him. I followed him and watched Nick give him kisses all over his belly. He was so gorgeous holding my baby. His long spiky hair was growing and falling over his eyes. And his jeans. God, his jeans just hugged his beautiful backside and I couldn’t stop staring. Nick cleared his throat. I looked up to find him with a shocked expression on his face.
“Were you just checking me out, Liz?” he asked, astonished. I felt the flush roll from my cheeks down to my chest. Blotchy red spots covered me. I cleared my throat and gave a small nod.
“Interesting,” he said with a smile. “Do you like what you see?”
“Nick,” I said impatiently. “You know you are sexy. Everyone knows that.” I rolled my eyes.
“No,” he said, drawing out the word. “I didn’t know you thought that.”
“Well, now you do,” I said in a rush. I went to grab Niall to change him and Nick shook his head.
“Nah, I got him,” he said, putting him down on the changing table. “Besides, I won’t see the little guy for a while.” He didn’t want to look at me. He was trying to avoid looking at me after I admitted he was attractive.
“We are only going for a week,” I said, lifting one shoulder up and down. Nick shook his head and turned to face me.
“I forgot to tell you but my mom is undergoing hip surgery next week, so I am flying down to Texas for a week or so,” he replied.
“Oh, I am so sorry,” I said as I moved towards him and placed my hand on his arm. Heat poured from the touch and I felt it. I felt him. I felt us and it was undeniable sexual tension. He looked down at my hand and back up to me. He smiled sadly as if he knew exactly what the contact did to me. It was excruciating. It was time to tell him how I honestly felt about him.
“It’s okay. She will be all right but they are getting older. Dad needs me to help out,” he said.
I withdrew my hand and forced myself to not show the disappointment in my face. I lost my nerve to say something or everything. He was with Jessica and he was smiling about just the thought of her only ten minutes earlier and describing her as perfect. It was finished. Nick didn’t want me amorously. His feelings were long gone and Conner was right. I lost him and I never even had him. I grimaced. I was already missing Nick and I hadn’t even left yet.
As we walked out to the living room, I picked up toys off the ground, throwing them into the chest next to the television. Nick sat on the couch with Niall tucked into him. I watched them and wished I could go bury myself into his side, too.
“Lizzie?” Nick asked.
“Hmm?” I replied, looking into his face.
“What are you thinking about? You have been acting kind of weird tonight,” he said.
“It’s nothing, Nick. I guess I am nervous about Ireland. I mean, work is cool and everything is all set with my parents to stay nearby so I can be on my own sometimes, but I will miss you,” I said softly.
“What about Freddie?” he asked firmly.
“What?” I asked taken aback.
“Won’t you miss Freddie?” he asked. I shook my head in confusion. Was he going to bring up that morning? I didn’t know what I could say that didn’t make me feel like a total slut. Conner was right. I should have waited to figure out that I was in deep with Nick. Then, Freddie would have never happened.
“So… you two aren’t…” he asked, trailing off.
“No, I mean, yes, we were. It was just for fun. It’s a complicated story. Freddie and I had been friends when the guys lived in town a few summers ago. He actually told me that summer that he wished I had picked him instead of Teagan.” I laughed, thinking back to that drunken night of love proclamations. “Teagan didn’t really like that he and I were close. Freddie and I didn’t.... We don’t have the spark, the passion that makes your blood boil. He is just a friend,” I said.
“Did you have sex with him?” he asked me pointedly. His frank question caught me off guard. Could I lie? Did I want him to know? I never asked him if he had sex with his many girlfriends but somehow if I didn’t tell him the truth, I couldn’t live with myself.
“Yeah, we did,” I said.
Nick blew out a breath he had been holding. “Why?” he asked, pained.
“Why?” I asked incredulously. “Why did I have sex with Freddie?”
“Yes, Lizzie. After all this time we had been friends, I have wanted you. You knew I had feelings for you and then you just go have meaningless sex with a guy from Ireland. Is this some kind of joke?” I felt like he had slapped me. Surely, he didn’t still have romantic feelings for me.
“No, it isn’t a joke. He…he doesn’t mean anything to me. He can’t break my heart but I felt so lonely. I wanted to have a night when I felt beautiful. You wouldn’t understand, Nick. I don’t know why it happened with Freddie but I know it won’t go anywhere and I won’t lose sleep if he never wants to do it again.” I darted my eyes around the kitchen and then they fell back on Nick.
He was looking at me so incredibly nonplussed. What did I do? It wasn’t like he was so innocent the night before. I groaned and put my hand on my forehead willing this conversation to disappear. Rewind five minutes please. Pause. Play.
“Nick. Listen. Freddie is an easy guy to get sexually involved with. I had and have zero feelings for him. I wanted to just feel sexy again. I hadn’t been with a man in so long. It may have been a mistake but only because I did it for just the sex and not for a relationship,” I admitted.
“You told me you wanted nobody. You told me you couldn’t be more than just friends with anyone,” he snapped at me.
“I know,” I whispered.
“So what changed? Or has anything changed?” he asked. He was really starting to piss me off and my patience threshold just snapped. I sat up straight and squinted at his face.
“What about you, Nick? Do you sleep with every girl that you date? Did you have sex with Anna that night after the show? Do you fuck Jessica? I never ever ask you about the girls you are with because it’s none of my goddamn business,” I snapped, starting to feel emotion crawl up my throat. This was bad. This was very bad.
Nick exhaled and stood up to put Niall in his swing. “I don’t understand you, Lizzie. I thought you didn’t care,” he said. “You are easygoing one day, angry the next, then you are asking me about what I do sexually with the girls I date, and now you don’t want to know?”
“Yes, Nick. I am all over the place with my emotions for you. Maybe I do care about being more than just friends. Maybe that is why I am taking this trip to Ireland. I want to move on. I want closure on my past so I can throw myself into a future. I think I may want a future with you. I can’t stop thinking about you …us and if there could be a future. I try so hard to get you out of my head and then there you are. You have been there for me through everything this year and I know you love my son. I see you with him. He knows you already. But honestly, it breaks my heart every time I think about you out with another girl. It breaks my heart that I am too late,” I said.
Nick shook his head. “I cannot believe you. You are telling me this now? I have wanted you since I met you and the moment I find another girl that I can see a future with, you throw this at me,” he said, running his hands through his hair. His nostrils flared and I was immediately afraid of what would come next. I had never seen Nick like that and I felt the crystal clear premonition of our friendship ending was near.
“I’m so sorry,” I pleaded, thrown off by his comment that Jessica could end up being more than a girlfriend. Shit, shit, shit.
“No, I don’t think you are. I think you are probably one of the most selfish people I have ever met. How dare you tell me you want more right before you leave to find the father of your child or whatever the hell you are looking for there? What is that? You must be crazy. It eats me up inside to know you were with that Teagan guy and I didn’t even frigging know you then. I wanted you to be mine since before I even met you. I knew that day in the restaurant you were someone special. I wanted you, Lizzie, but you kept me at arm’s length and now I am supposed to just let you in? How could I possibly even trust you?” he asked, almost yelling at me.
“Okay. I get it. I am a selfish bitch and you hate me. Fine. Just friends, got it,” I said firmly.
In two steps, he was all over me. Unlike our first kiss in this kitchen, his mouth was soft but solid male perfection. He cupped my cheeks and kissed me with unquestionable enthusiasm. I kissed him right back, my arms going to his beautifully sculpted back. He was so warm and his scent was intoxicating. Before I could intensify the kiss, he pulled away and looked at me. We stood there panting and staring at one another. I put my fingers up to my lips and a tear fell down my cheek.
“We are just friends. That’s it. I am with Jess now,” he said and then paused to look at the tear fall off my cheek. “I hope you have a safe trip. Tell Teagan I said hi,” he said and then turned to leave. Fuck my life. I just fucked it all up again. Hello world, the old Lizzie is back.
NINETEEN
When my parents and I landed in Cork, it was raining. The plush green landscape stole my breath away. The city was bustling with activity and our excitement far outweighed the depressing rain. I thought about the day I found out I was pregnant with Niall and how drenched I was when I told Teagan. I let out a sigh and examined every male on the street, looking for him. This was a bad idea. I was there to find Teagan. Shit, I should have known that. I wanted to see him. I wanted him to see Niall. I was such an idiot.
My parents and I got two rooms at the Best Western in Cork. I told them they should stay at one of the quaint houses that offered the full Irish experience but they said it would be easier for us to have adjoining rooms in case I wanted to do something on my own without Niall. It was thoughtful of them but after my last interaction with Nick, I felt lost and holding onto my baby while touring his father's city made me feel settled. We had only spoken once when I was on my way from Boston and it seemed nothing was wrong. I asked him about Jessica and he evaded the question and then told me he would miss me. What was that all about? Miss me? Last night I was a selfish, undermining asshole he wanted nothing to do with. My life was officially all messed up again.
After we got to our rooms and unpacked, we headed to a local pub for food. It was amazing. Everything screamed Ireland and the people were so friendly and accommodating. I still looked around incessantly for Teagan. What were the chances though? I fed Niall some potato fries and listened to the violin and guitar duo playing the classic Irish jigs. Niall laughed and clapped. He was so cute in his little green shirt. I smiled at him and helped him clap. My mother got up from the table and headed out the door with her cell phone to her ear.
"So, is this what you expected from Cork?" my dad asked.
I shrugged. "I guess. The music is pretty cool and the people are nice. But to be honest, you can find these places in Boston. It's the green plush landscape that is beautiful. It reminds me so much of Oregon," I said.
"There is a reason why America is the best country in the world," he replied with a grin.
I smiled back at him and watched Niall drool all over another potato fry. "He has this country in him. I hope one day he will want to visit on his own," I said.
"I am sure you will remind him every day just how Irish he is," Dad said with a chuckle. I smirked at him and rolled my eyes.
Mom came back and plopped down on her seat. "Well, that was Conner. They are playing tonight but he is jealous we are here.
"I am sure he is," I said. Dad nodded. "It's too bad he couldn't cancel some gigs and come with us."
Mom sighed and took a drink from her Guinness. "He will get out here soon enough. The band is doing so well. They will probably end up on an international tour." She laughed with pride.
Our parents were the best. They supported everything we wanted. Conner was a Boston College honors graduate and yet he played music at dives all over New England. I got pregnant at twenty-three and they were proud I was a mother. They never complained that I didn't finish college. They didn't bat an eyelash at coming to Cork. They trusted that we knew what we needed. I smiled at them with pride. Our family was wonderful and it didn't need anything else. Niall was a lucky boy. He was growing up in a world of love. Even without a father, he wanted for nothing.
"Well, I am beat. Let's go, beautiful wife of mine," my dad said.
"Already?" I asked. The last thing I wanted to do was go back to a hotel room and stare out a window. I would think of Nick. I would think of Teagan. I needed a break from thinking for a night.
"Do you want to stay out, honey?" Mom asked. I shrugged but gave her a hopeful look.
"Why don't we take our beautiful grandson back and we will all chill out then go to sleep?" she asked. I sent up private thanks up to God for the best mom ever.
"I don't know," my dad said, looking worried. "Will you know how to get back to the hotel?"
I rolled my eyes. "Dad, it's the only Best Western in the city. I will be fine," I said.
Five minutes later, I was sitting at the pub, watching the duo continue to play Gaelic music. I asked for a shot of Jaegermeister and a Guinness. The bartender winked at me and I downed my shot. I was alone in a country where no one knew me. I could get as drunk as I wanted. I needed to void out my life. Yes, I was a successful woman in Boston, but I was not successful in love. The lyrics from the music reminded me of Teagan whispering in my ear and Nick placing his lips on mine. I was so fucking confused. An older attractive man sidled up to me and asked for a shot of whiskey and a beer. He looked at me and grinned. "Hey there, sweetheart," he said.
"Hello," I said.
"An American?" he asked. I laughed. It reminded me so much of the first night in Mary Ann's when I realized that Cian was speaking with an Irish accent.
"I am," I said proudly.
"Well, what are you doing here in Cork?" he asked
with the thickest accent I had ever heard.
"I am visiting... I mean, I am getting to know the land," I said. I had absolutely no idea why I was there other than inside, under everything conscious and subconscious, I wanted to see Teagan.
"Cork is a lovely place to visit," the old man said. "Do you like the music?"
"Yes, it is wonderful. To be honest, there are a lot of Irishmen that play in Boston, but the atmosphere here is so…old worldly," I said.
“Ah, yes, old worldly,” he mused.
“I didn’t mean anything by that. It’s just, as an American, we love old countries. We are a mix of the rest of the world,” I said, feeling like I was digging myself into a hole.
“It’s okay. I know what you mean. I have been to America. It’s exciting there. So tell me why you picked this lowly town to visit,” he said.
“Oh, well, that is a very long story,” I said.
He threw a look at the bartender and seconds later, a new shot and beer were right in front of me. “I have time. Tell me your story,” he said.
Forty-five minutes later and my heart poured out to an Irish stranger, I knew I had him stumped. He looked at me then looked away. Then he looked at me and then cursed.
“I am so sorry,” I said. “I told you it was a long story but not a fucked up one. I guess I should have mentioned it was kind of a downer.” I smiled sheepishly and took a drink from the glass. The man turned and gave me a stern look.
“Listen to me. This is my own opinion but I have had many life lessons. I know about love and loss. I know how it feels to have no control over anyone else’s actions or feelings. Teagan is a shit. Those traditions he talked about are shit. If I had a child with you, I would do everything I could to be part of your lives. You are wasting your time coming here to look for him. People don’t change. He will never change. Go home. Live your life and don’t have regrets about your past. Look for what you want in your future. Just live your life and many blessings will come to you. You seem like a lovely lady. You have your whole life to love. So go love someone that wants to love you back. Whoever that lad is he will be one lucky person,” he said.